I started this blog because I realized I was being too judgemental and too negative. I have suffered from depression for most of my life. I don’t know if it has gotten worse as I have gotten older or I am just more aware of it. Or the work I do and the stresses of life exacerbate it. I really don’t know. It may have gotten better but I just react differently to it now. Either way, it fucking sucks and it affects pretty much every aspect of my life. Including how judgemental and negative I am. I have fallen off the train of writing on here this week because I have been “too busy.” Read: forgot to take a moment to reflect and then too lazy to take the time to write when I realized I had put it off.
I thought this would help me become more positive and help in times when my depression was spiraling or I felt it coming on. I know its never that simple but sometimes just a moment of happiness in the midst of depression can make a big difference. But I have been stressing about this because I set a goal to take a picture every day of something I was grateful for and I realized, I had not been taking pictures. Which meant I was failing, so I beat myself up about it….how hard is it? Just fucking do it? Jesus, you can’t even take a minute to be thankful. fuck.
As you can imagine, that type of talk doesn’t really help you get out of any depression spirals. On Tuesday I had my monthly therapy session and I was telling my therapist about this. Knowing me for years, she thought it was a great idea but immediately saw how I set myself for failure but not allowing myself any alternatives…posting with no pictures, not writing a lot, posting just a picture…whatever…it’s not like I am performing brain surgery right—I can change the style and the rules as I go.
So today I am not posting a picture. I am just posting that I am thankful that I am able to have a therapist. I want to go every week, but money doesn’t allow it so monthly it is. Which I completely recognize is a luxury of sorts and I am lucky to be able to do this. I am also lucky to have a therapist I like that works with my schedule, my quirks and works around my ridiculous insurance. So, TO THERAPY! (and just maybe, to the day I don’t need it anymore!)